* Trigger warning. If you're not in the place to read someone else's pain and struggle, please don't feel the need to keep reading.
I’ve spent so much time these past couple weeks thinking and writing and calculating how I wanted to say what I needed to say. I’ve stayed up late, stared at blank page after blank page, and for whatever reason, I’ve struggled to get my words out.
A year ago, my life was turned upside down. October 26th will forever be embedded into me. Every day I relive what happened to me. I live in a play by play of one of the worst times in my life- pausing, fast forwarding, slowing down, analyzing every moment, trying to find exactly where I fucked up. I try to go back and look for the red flags- did I say something over dinner that screamed “ME!”? Did my blouse and pants and jacket and black flats ask to be violated without me knowing it? We had dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, shared dessert, and then he walked me to the parking garage. I was parked a floor below the roof level, so we decided to go up one floor to look at the lights. Did he think I owed him? Was this a red flag? Is that the moment I messed everything up? Was that the moment he decided he was going to hurt me? Or was it when he pinned me against a wall and said to be quiet or he’d kill me? Was the red flag when he reached under my shirt and pulled my bra down so fast that the strap broke? Maybe it was when he grabbed my ass while trying to shove his tongue down my throat. Every time I tried to fight back his grip on me got stronger, he wedged me against the wall harder. I still remember the way his breath felt against my ear when he leaned in and told me that no one would find my body- that if he killed me, he’d wear my skin like a cloak. I tried to fight back. I tried so hard to get away, but he wore me down. He scared me, I was afraid for my life. I was paralyzed. My only thought was “I want to see my mom again.” And I believe that that thought is the only reason I survived that night. No matter what happened, I knew, I knew that it would end, and I’d get to see my mom. So, I kept repeating to myself, like a mantra, “I want to see my mom again, I want to see my mom again.”
When I finally got home, I showered in water so hot my skin turned scarlet and my eyes burned. I brushed my teeth over, and over, and over again. I changed pajamas three times because nothing felt comfortable. Then I laid on my bed in the dark because it was too late to bother any of my friends. I tried to will myself to forget. At first, I thought I was okay. I tried to be okay. It took me 3 days to tell my best friend what happened, and even then, I didn’t come out directly and name it for what it was. It took me 5 days to tell my mother. I was afraid she’d say, “I told you so, dating in LA is dangerous”, even though I knew she’d never react that way, but I avoided it as long as possible… It took me even longer than that to admit to myself what had happened. Sometimes I still think I haven’t admitted it. I tried to tell myself it wasn’t that bad, I was making it into something bigger than it was. I tried to make excuses. I tried to convince myself that it was normal. I tried to make myself believe that I was deserving of being treated that way. I didn’t say the words “I was assaulted” out loud to myself for over a week. If I said it out loud, that’d make it real, and if it was real, then that’d mean that bad things can happen to me, that I’m not invincible.
I wish I could tell you that I’ve spent the past year healing, growing, not letting it affect me. But that’s not true. In fact, this past year, I’ve done the complete opposite. There are some days where I can’t breathe because my chest feels like it’s caving in. Some days I can’t get out of bed because I’m too weak to move and my feet feel like they’re tied down to my mattress. There are days when I am stuck in a tunnel and I can’t even remember what the light at the end looks like. I haven’t healed. I haven’t allowed myself to. Every time I think about that day, I hear every single word he said to me over again, I feel everything he did to me. I can’t look at myself in the mirror without seeing what he did. This past year I haven’t learned how to deal with what happened, how to heal. I’ve learned to shove it in a box and place that box in the back closet of my mind where I don’t have to think about it. I’ve learned to ignore the gnawing, aching feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’ve learned to live with the shame the blame, and the guilt. I’ve learned that I can bury my thoughts and my emotions under work, school, family, life. But I have put a lid on an over flowing bottle. I put walls up around myself to keep the trauma away, but all I ended up doing was shutting myself in with it… I didn’t realize how depression had snuck back into my life. I didn’t realize how anxiety had remade her home inside me. I stopped doing things I loved, I gave up projects I was passionate about, I lost touch with people I cared about. I see myself doing it, but I can’t pull myself out of it. I stopped feeling things, started going through the motions. Only recently did I start paying attention to how much of a toll it was taking on me. How dare he make such a heinous decision that altered my reality, and my perception of the world around me. He stole my self assurance, my confidence, my solid footing. He stole the things that made me good. He damaged me, he broke me. How dare he.
I wish I could tell you that I’ve found what I was looking for, what I need, or that I’ve used my voice or that I've stood up for myself. But I haven't. I've quit speaking up for me. On my good days, I’m tough, and strong, and I feel like I can reclaim my life. I want more of those good days. I’m fighting for those good days, I am hoping for those good days. I am tired of allowing what happened to me to crush me. I am strong, and resilient, capable, and loving. But I am also reserved, I'm detached, and I’m too afraid to let people into my world. I know now that I cannot keep doing things this way, though. I need to allow myself the time to move past this- no matter how long it takes. I will never forget what happened to me, but I can’t keep carrying this around like some heavy ball and chain. There are things he said to me that I don’t think I will ever repeat to anyone. There is pain I felt that I don’t think I will ever be able to express. It makes me sad and angry that because of what he did, I’ll carry that around with me for the rest of my life.
I know I will be okay because I have faith in myself. I know I will get past this, it will just take time. I have to allow myself that time. The first step is admitting what happened, and admitting that I can’t do this alone. I don’t want to do this alone. I’ve been alone and isolated by this enough already. No more. This year has taught me a lot about myself, what I value, and who I hold close to me. I learned to appreciate more, care more, listen more. With all of the stories in the media about assault and harassment, it reminded me that its more important now than ever before for us victims to not back down, not surrender. It’s never been more important for people to step up and support survivors, believe their stories, lift up their names. No victim should carry the shame and burden of someone else’s wrong doing. It’s time to speak up. I have tried to not speak about this on social media, my blog, and even in everyday conversation. But I am done sitting in silence. I’m done pretending like this didn’t happen. I am ready to shout my story in the hopes that someone reads it, identifies with it, and knows that they’ll be okay too. But I’m also ready to shout my story for myself, too. To name the pain, to call attention to it, and to bring it into the light so I don’t have to sit with it alone anymore. This is me fighting for the good days again.
Ugh, I've missed this world so much. The world of blogging & YouTubing. I've been trying to push myself into it again, but I just haven't had the time to dedicate. That changes now.
Recently, I've been focused on school, acting, and just living a happy life. I am in my last quarter at FIDM, and although I know I'll be moving on to bigger and better things, it will be bittersweet to see my days at that school come to an end. I'm planning on moving on to one of the CalState schools, just trying to decide what will be the best path for what I want.
Acting has been really fun, and I'm planning on molding it into my career path. I've fallen in love with it again, and I can't wait to see what comes of it. I thoroughly love my life at the moment.
Looking for a job is rough, especially working around the schedule of everything else I'm doing. It's exciting though, to think about where I'll be spending the next chapter of my life. I hope to find a job soon, gotta make that money somehow.
In other news, I have been having this undeniable urge to travel, and I'm planning some trips in the near future. I'd love to travel around the Northwest, the Northeast and the Southern states. Not to mention all the countries I'd like to visit. There's just so much to see in this world, I don't want to miss out on any of it. One day, I'll be able to travel more :)
Learning Who You Are
I've recently spent a lot of time thinking about who I am, what kind of person I am, and what I stand for. I'm trying to learn more about myself, figure myself out, and above all, I'm trying to live the most genuine life that I can.
I've learned some good things about myself, I'm very driven, dedicated, authentic. I'm smart, and I'm able to work well under pressure.
I've learned some bad things about myself, I'm a cold fish at times, I'm "too much" for some, and as it's been pointed out to me, I'm impervious and calloused.
My faith has faltered, my opinions have shifted, and I've learned to rely on solely myself.
But, the point is that I'm learning who I am. My whole world has turned upside down before, so I'm sure I can adjust to figuring out who I am.
There are things that don't change as you learn who you are- good and bad, are still defined by the same standards, right and wrong are the same as they always have been. Then, there are things that do change when you're learning who you are- your outlook on life, on people, love and your impact on the world. The way you view different cultures, customs, and beliefs changes. Seeing the world through a new perspective is part of growing, and learning. Everyone and everything adapts and adjusts to the world around them, so it's no surprise that all of these previous assumptions we have about ourselves, and the world, change.
Don't shy away from who you are. Don't change just to fit in the box that other people tell you to fit in. Don't confine yourself to the standards that society has deemed. You are yourself, and finding yourself is a personal journey. You will always change, and grow, and learn, and you will always be exactly who you are supposed to be. My one piece of advice is to know that you are always enough. You might not be everyone's cup of tea, and that's okay. But you will always be enough for someone- and that someone should be yourself. No matter who walks in and out of your life, you have to be concrete in yourself. Sometimes you won't feel strong, sometimes you'll question everything and everyone around you. That's okay. We need to question, because that's how we grow. Don't ever, ever be afraid to stand up for what you feel is right, and don't allow anyone to tell you that you are worthless.
This world is still a beautiful, beautiful place. You still have a spot that you belong in. Good things still happen. You just have to see it. No matter what you face, or what takes place in your life, be firm in the knowledge that you can handle it. You are strong, and resilient. Come to terms with yourself, it'll give you such a great peace of mind.
And remember one thing- keep learning, developing, reshaping, and you'll never live a dull life.
Loooong time no see! I'm so sorry that I haven't posted in a while. I've explained more on my YouTube channel, so if you want to know more about where I've been, you can watch my last few videos...
Just a little update- school is going great! I just got done with my first year at FIDM and I love it so much! I'm getting ready to apply to my 3rd year program, in costume design! I'm so excited.
Acting is going pretty great as well. I'm really excited about a few projects I have coming up, and I hope I can share them with you soon!!!
I'll have more of a blog post later this week for you, maybe tomorrow. But I just wanted to get a little update ready for you!
Makeup is a passionate hobby of mine. I love trying all different kinds of makeup, and moving to LA has made that so much easier for me. I'm closer to all the major makeup stores that weren't available to me before. Being able to waltz into Sephora has been such a treat. My pocketbook doesn't quite think so, but that's another story.
So, I have some new must-haves. At least all that money went to good use.
I've compiled a list of my favorite makeup as of late, and I hope you enjoy
1. Shade & Light contour kit- Kat VonD ($46)
This contour kit is my holy grail. Before, I wasn't really into contouring because I could never find a product that worked well for me. Then I found this baby, and it made me realize why contouring is so great. I love the formula of this makeup; the powder's not too cakey, and it's easy to blend out. This pallet comes with 3 shades of contour, and 3 shades of highlight.
2. Lock It Foundation - Kat Von D ($35)
I can't rave enough about this foundation. I had high hopes for it because I had heard so much about it. It did not disappoint! I have a feeling that this foundation will quickly become the only foundation I use. It's light, and a little goes a long way. Kat Von D knew what she was doing when she made this lock-it foundation.
The colors in this pallet range from warm browns, oranges, pinks, there's deep blacks and even a blue. You can create co many beautiful looks with just this pallet and because it's flexible with many options, it'll be a great pallet for all seasons. Plus, the Chocolate Bar pallet smells like chocolate when you open it, so that's a plus.
4. Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Wiz & Brow Pomade
Good luck, Glammies.
I had a post up a couple weeks ago, but I ended up deleting it because I didn't feel 100% about the content I put in it. This quarter has just been a whirlwind, I hope you understand. I know I say that a lot. But it's true.
So, if you follow my youtube (www.youtube.com/glammariee96), you see more updates on school, but I've been so bad at updating my blog! I'm so sorry! But I wanted to do another update since I'm almost finished with my first quarter!
So, first of all, this quarter went by so quickly! When I first started, my admissions advisor told me that it would go by super quickly. It certainly did, and I can't believe I'm already in finals week! It seems so crazy to me!
This quarter has been SO MUCH FUN! I have really enjoyed getting to learn more about LA, and it's been so much fun to go out and explore the city.
School has been fantastic. I really really enjoy it, and I'm so glad that I decided to attend FIDM. I've already gotten to experience so much and it's only been one quarter. The work load is rough, but it'll be so worth it. For the money I'm paying to attend this school, I really feel like I should take advantage of everything the school offers. So I've tried to go out and join in as many clubs and activities as I want to. The school really offers something for everyone, and it's nice that everyone can find their little niche. Because the school is on the smaller side, it feels more close-knit and the students really seem to be rooting for each other. Also, I feel like the people I've met who are in the industry aren't as scary as you imagine them being. They're some of the hardest workers I've met, and they really make this industry exciting and worth going into.
All in all, I'm really looking forward to what my future at FIDM (and beyond) holds.
I'll try to update more so you get a full picture of what my life in FIDM and LA is like.
Until next time. xx
Today, I thought I'd do a little school update for you. Where do I even start? This has already been such a great experience, although it's been a huge adjustment. I was really, really homesick for the first few weeks. I talked with my school counselor and my admissions advisor (who is such a wonderful person) and they both helped me so much. My momma helped too, which was great, she helped me keep moving forward. Now that I'm out of that 'lull' I still get homesick, but I know how to work through it, and I can always find a friend to hang out with, or homework to do until I'm feeling better.
My mom pushed me to do a little challenge with myself of writing down (and sharing on Facebook) one thing that I find that I love about LA every day. It can be anything. So, like, today's was I got to go to dinner at my favorite little restaurant up the street from me. But, it can also be simple, like 'today I love the flowers that bloom in the park in front of my school.' It doesn't matter as long as I'm finding something positive. That really helped me. Once I started doing that, I saw beauty all around me.
The campus here is so gorgeous. Right in the heart of downtown, FIDM offers so much for its students. There's many job and internship opportunities all around us, and many of us love how central everything is. There's so many restaurants, museums, stores, and nightlife all around us. Everything you need is within walking distance. That has been such a huge help.
Living in student housing has helped me become more familiar with the area while meeting new students at the same time. I'm in the MET, which is right across the street from FIDM, and I love it! There's grocery stores and banks near by, theres a gas station up the street, there's restaurants all around- it's the perfect place to live. The MET is really safe and secure, as well. I never feel like I'm not safe. Walking around at night, or in the pool after dark, I feel totally taken care of. It's really cool because no one can get into the parking garage or up the elevators or into the pool (which is on floor 2, anyway, not ground floor) or into the fitness center without a fob. That helps me know that there's not just random people walking around our apartment building.
View from my apartment!!
I've missed you guys!
I'm finally starting to feel more settled in at school and I'm enjoying going out and exploring Los Angeles! It's been so nice to see and experience new things! I love exploring this wonderful city! I miss my mom and grandma like crazy, and I miss my home, but this will be all worth it when I graduate.
Last Saturday I got to go and see a taping of Let's Make a Deal, and that was a ton of fun! Hopefully sometime soon I'm gonna go and tour Paramount Pictures.
I'm still not used to actually having homework. Since I went to high school online, all the work was homework, haha. But it's been a wonderful experience so far, I really love my teachers and I have met some amazing people so far!
Recently, I started writing for The Odyssey, an online 'magazine' that has writers from all over, multiple colleges. It's been such a fun experience.
I'm hoping to document my journey some more, and I hope you'll tag along for the ride!!
Hey Guys!! xx
I feel like it's been soooooo long since I've posted, and I'm truly sorry! I've been trying to get my life in order before my big move!
I've literally packed most of my clothes in the past few days, and now I'm working on my shoes/personal items, but it's kinda overwhelming!
I cannot believe move in 10 days! I can't believe it's here! It seems like just last week I was coming back from LA after getting accepted, and I still had a full summer before I left.. Where did all the time go?
I'm so looking forward to this adventure, even though I'm nervous and scared and I know I'm gonna be homesick. I'm going to miss my mom tremendously because we're best friends. But there's always Skype and phone calls :). But it will be worth it, and I really feel like FIDM is where I need to be to create my future.
I already have a few cool things planned in LA, and I'm planning on blogging/vlogging the entire way.
On a different note, I have a fall makeup look going up on YouTube this week so I'm super pumped for that! I will post the video here as well. I'm also getting ready for Halloween makeup & treats & DIY's. Eeeeeeep. I love this time of year! Who's ready for the 13 days of Halloween to start already? Im ready to binge watch some Halloweentown and Hocus Pocus.
Until next time,
Hope you enjoyed this tutorial. xx